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Welcome to the Monumental Pictures List

Since opinions are like assholes they're resultingly quite smelly. As such, we don't review movies here, we leave that magnificent privilege for the multi-million dollar behemoths and the millions of other starving journalists out there who choose to cover them.

(If you really want your film reviewed by a professional journalist, submit it like this or go here.)

What we do here is shine a light on shit that doesn't get paid attention to; projects that break conventions by people who do what they want regardless of social stigma or taboo.

This is more of an encyclopedia obscura if you will, and it's compiled of projects that were usually crafted outside of the studio system, often through self financing, and with very few resources. It will continue to grow as time passes on, so don't ever consider this a final draft.

Also, if you've ever uttered the phrase "it's the worst movie I've ever seen," then leave now or kill yourself. Your choice doesn't affect us either way. 

Babo 73 (1964)

Brain Damage (1988)

This is Frank Henenlotter (of Basket Case and Frankenhooker fame) at a very interesting point in his creative career. It centers on a young man who discovers a leech-like parasite with a face that's attached itself to his spinal cord one morning. Much like the movie, the stop motion marvel brings wonder to the man, but as the story progresses he finds out that the experience comes with a price, of course. When I say the worm has a face I mean it; we're talking eyes and a mouth here, complete with teeth. You'll never forget the sight of it.

Chaffed Elbows (1966)

The Candy Snatchers (1973)

Like "The Baby," which came out the same year, the brilliance in "The Candy Snatchers" isn't the necessarily bland beginning. It's not like we've never heard of someone being kidnapped and held for ransom before. I mean, it's even based on a true story; this kind of thing happens all the time. What makes "The Candy Snatchers" so great is it's morbid sense of humor and the way things end up heading. Each cog in the story keeps catapulting the viewer into bizarre uncharted territory that keeps them anxiously waiting to find out just what the hell is going to happen next. The production feels a lot like Wes Craven's early stand out flick "The Last House on the Left," and it's astounding that more people haven't seen it because honestly it's a better movie in many respects. Every actress in the film is also drop dead gorgeous. The screenwriter went on to have two other projects produced, one directed by Walter Hill starring Charles Bronson and James Coburn, the other directed by Curtis Hanson and starring Tom Cruise before giving up in the early eighties. The director penned a small amount of b-fare until doing the same 1993.

The Crippled Masters (1979)

Take everything that you love about kung-fu movies and then replace the main characters with cripples. The title literally tells you everything that you need to know about this one. Instead of thinking about what kinds of things that they could add as weapons like in Master of The Flying Guillotine, Kei Law subtracts here, and it's a hell of a lot of fun to watch people without arms and legs battle their hearts out.

Hell Comes To Frogtown (1988)

The director of this post-apocalyptic film, Donald G Jackson, founded the process of zen film-making with his partner in crime Scott Shaw, who continues the practice today. He's made several projects with Joe Estevez using it. The movie follows Sam Hell (Roddy Piper) who's one of the last remaining men on the planet after a fallout. As such, his fertility is deemed a high priority to the women who now run things. But instead of zombies roaming the nuclear wasteland outside, it's gigantic frog people. That's right, fucking frog people.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

Yup. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. That's the film's actual title. Because of their stance on gays, the Catholic church won't bother trying to help the lesbian population that is systematically being exterminated in a small town in Canada. So with the help of Mary Magnum and a Mexican wrestler known only as El Santo (yep that one), the son of God must take down a sect of vampires that are hellbent on skinning lesbians for clothes that they can wear to allow them the luxury of walking around in the daylight. They use kung fu to achieve their goal, so it's an action movie, but it's also a musical. And Mary Magnum's red leather jumpsuit... well it's nice, I'll put it like that. Seriously, since I first saw this thing I've always wondered what happened to the actress (Maria Moulton) who portrays Mary Magnum. If you find out, let me know. Until then, let the power of Christ impale you!

Lady Terminator (1989)

Bullets! Bot boobs! Blood! Indonesia is the leading manufactuer of clove cigarettes and fake robot action movies! This knock off of James Cameron's franchise is actually better than most of the official films, reardless of the fact that it really has nothing to do with cyborgs.

Master of the Flying Guillotine (1976)

Master of the Flying Guillotine is an out of body experience even when you're sober. For being released at the height of the Hong Kong action boom, it gives all of the Bruce Lee competition from the era a strong run for its money. It grabs you from the beginning and doesn't let go with a full on assault of all of the senses. The non-stop action never lets up, and it's peppered with insanely unique kung-fu, sound effects, shots, and a score that will ring in your ears for days. Highly recomended for trips.

Parents (1989)

This one is a little bit on the higher budget side (supposedly three million) for this list, but it was a joint Vestron production, and although they were responsible for producing a number of fabulous movies throughout their limited existence, they were also notorious for overinflating their budgets on paper. Starring Randy Quaid (Kingpin), The film is a visual feast about a couple of upstanding parents in the fifties who relocate to a new community with their only child and try to feed their horrified kid people for meals. That's really all there is to say.


 
Sonny Boy (1989)

"Sonny Boy" is the epitome of grindhouse films. It opens with a robbery in the desert where a man murders a couple for their car. He delivers the wheels to his boss, Slue, unaware that there's a newborn baby in the backseat. His employer's transvestite wife (played by David Carradine) insists that they keep it. Slue reluctantly agrees, but cuts off his tongue for good measure so he can't speak no evil and raises him to be a proper soldier for his illegal bidding. When he's fully grown and society finally catches a glimpse of him, only a young woman is able to see him for who he truly is. Profoundly moving, it's hard to believe that next to nobody has seen or even heard of this flick. Note: even fewer people have seen a fully uncut version of "Sonny Boy." You can read more about my quest to attain the true Sonny Boy here.

Bruce Campbell and Deborah Foreman are way better than Bella and Edward.

Sundown The Vampire In Retreat (1989)

It would be interesting if instead of releasing "Earth Girls are Easy" because Gina Davis in a bikini drew more of an audience reaction that Vestron released this theatrically instead of the latter. I have a hunch that it might have been a much more known film. Regardless, this was the final outing for Vestron, and it is an utter blast. Here's all you need to know: Bruce Campbell plays Van Helsing's descendant, and David Carradine is the count! Vampires have discovered synthetic blood, sunblock, and been civilized in a small town not found on any map. There's good vampires and there's bad vampires. They clash in an action western that only "Waxwork" creator Anthony Hickox could have concocted.

Star Crash (1979)

"I wouldn't be Emperor of the Galaxy if I didn't have a few powers at my disposal. Imperial Battleship, halt the flow of time! For the space of three minutes, every molecule on this planet will be immobilized. But after the third minute, the green ray loses it's power. Time will flow once more and everything... will explode."

This line, uttered by Christopher Plummer (The Sound of Music) at the end of Starcrash, is all you need to know about just how awesome it is. Part "Barbarella," part "Flash Gordon," and all fun, this Corman Classic features David Hasselhoff in an afro, Caroline Munroe (The Spy Who Loved Me) in skimpy space outfits, a redneck robot, and lots of stop motion. If that's not enough to get your thruster engines going, the stars covering the vastness of space are all as multicolored as xmas lights. Oh, and there were lightsabers before Star Wars, so get off of your high horses fan boys and have some fun for a change.

Street Trash (1987)

Surprisingly, Street Trash is the brainchild of James Cameron's favorite stedicam operator. It's sort of like being exposed to a new drug for the first time. Which is fitting, because it's about a new one that's hitting the street. It's called viper, and this shit puts everclear to shame. Unearthed, dusted off, and distributed to the local hobos for a buck by an entrepreneurial liquor store manager, the elixir has more of the properties of sulfuric acid than ethanol, as it melts the people who drink it alive. There's a disgruntled Vietnam veteran and an abhorrent landlord attempting to evict them from their junkyard home, but that really doesn't matter when you're watching a corrosive cocktail melt people alive.

Like Sam Raimi's The Evil Dead, Street Trash originally started out as a tiny short film. You can view it in it's entire glory online for free right

here.

Weekend (1967)

A rich couple, both cheating on each other and planning on murdering the other, travel to the wife's dying father's manor to gain his inheritance, ready to kill him if he's not almost dead. It gets even weirder after this point, so I don't want to spoil anything, but I will say that there's cannibalism, insane hippies, and roads of wastelands.


Remembering Satara Stratton (Satara Silver) | The Monumental Pictures List | Spock | Educational Brainwashing | What To Do When You're Drunk | What To Do When You're High | How To Satisfy A Woman | How To Make Money | Superheros You'd Never Refuse Help From | Loveable Cinematic Criminals | How To Tie A Noose | Things You Don't Want To See Animals Do | Great Freedom Minded Hollywood Fare | Unforgettable Femme Fatales | Places You Wish You Could Go | How To Get A Job | Car Insurance | Why The Post Office Sucks | Why Script Readers Are A Waste of Your Time | Good Films To Watch When You're Stoned |



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